What do you call a good looking Arab?
What the fuck?
Thanks, mate.
Who are we escorting next, habibi?
Put it this way...
It's a pencil-pushing tight-ass prick you would love to punch the fuck out of,
the Defense Minister.
Ah, shit!
He's the reason we got no decent fresh food in this place.
He keeps cutting the budget, pretty soon we'll be throwing rocks like your mob!
Ha, ha, ha.
Your last deployment mate.
Going to miss you, Baz.
This place is gonna be damn boring without you!
Ah, you'll find another Arab to take the piss out of, I'm sure!
Yeah, but not a half Arab.
Hold your tongue or I'll stick this rifle up your ass, wanker!
Yeah, you'd like that, hey!
What the fuck is that?! - Sir!
Sergeant Smith and I will be your escorts to the U.S. Green Zone this morning, sir.
ETA 20 mikes. - What?
Ah, it will take us 20 minutes to get to the American base, sir.
Yeah, of course.
What happened to all our Black Hawk helicopters?
Well, sir, ah...
All the Black Hawks are currently down at the moment,
well, with all the budget cuts.
You see that flak jacket you're wearing, sir?
Yeah?
It has no armored plating.
A bullet would go straight through that.
It's true, I'm using it as a window shield in my room.
Well, you blokes do realize that there is a recession going on, right?
Yes sir, we understand that. But with all due respect,
it's just hard to do our job when our equipment's falling apart.
What the fuck was that?!
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that too much, sir.
It was nothing.
What do you fucking mean, "nothing?"
That thing just shat its pants!
Well, sir...
due to the budget cuts, the thing that just shat its pants,
is the only thing we have to get us where we're going.
Is it safe?
Yes sir, it's safe.
We'll get you back to your recession in one piece.
Might be a good idea to stop cutting the budget,
right sir? - Fuck me...
New flak jackets and helicopters for everyone.
Right on!
About time, you fucking wanker.
Abdallah!
The pride of the Golani Brigade.
Yeah, not yet.
The pricks won't let me back, till I pass my psych test.
That's because you... need to stop head-butting brick walls.
You still taking your meds?
Don't need them.
Shit!
You got to chill out, man.
They are living in Haifa, they are both retired.
Actually, his wife used to babysit me and my brother.
I don't like the look of him.
Have fun looking at a screen and try not to kill anyone.
Fuck you, you goddamn cook!
Hey, I love my job!
What a beautiful day.
What a fucking shit hole!
Damn.
Don't be closing that door there.
How else am I gonna tan this beautiful body of a man, huh?
What?
You heard me.
Good arm there, boy.
Now...
Don't be closing the door. You hear me?
Welcome!
You must be Ari?
You're one friendly motherfucker, you ever hear that?
This place is a shit fight.
I've never seen a comm's center run so goddamn poorly.
Settle down, Justin Timberlake,
that's the way thing's run up here.
You need to get with the program, okay.
Oh yeah? - Yeah.
Well, I want to talk to the officer in charge, right now.
Well, let me get right on that. Okay, son?
They told me about you.
You're that snapperhead with no personality.
You listen to me!
I'm a special forces soldier of the Golani Brigade! You hear me?
Uh-uh, you were!
You're a fucking nobody.
Now you listen up, cocksucker.
Imma be leavin' this shithole tomorrow morning,
so I'll be cussing...
and uh, drinking and calling you a cocksucker, okay?
Now uh...
You see them three bars... here, on my beautiful shirt?
That means, I'm Captain...
Officer.
And by the looks of things, you're just a fucking grunt, so...
That means, I...
am the officer...
in charge.
Impossible. - Ah...
Uh-uh, the Israeli officer wasn't feeling well, so they sent him home.
So, it's just you and me, motherfucker, until tomorrow morning, okay?
Get your bag, get back in your hooch,
get suited and booted right now.
Fuck off!
Ah, this is going to be fun.
Ah look, it's Aunty Samira!
So... how's mom?
She's good, yeah, she's still busy with the café.
Never stop's working.
She's a workaholic, alright.
So when are you leaving the village and heading back home?
Australia? This is where I belong.
Nice uniform, wanker!
Did your wife iron it for ya?
Habibi Bassam!
Still patrolling the border?
I am now in charge of a platoon.
Woohoo, big man!
Pride of the Lebanese Army.
So... tonight...
You come with me.
Where to? - Kfar Kila.
Why would I want to go there for?
You are Lebanese, Baz, be proud.
Your father fought for this land, yeah?
And? - You should go...
The girls will be fine here.
Get out and smell the fresh air around here.
Fresh air, huh?
We'll only be gone for a few hours? - Of course.
I even have a uniform for you.
Uniform?!
She puts up with your shit?
The wife must always respect and obey the man.
Oh, that's right, I forgot, we're still in the village.
This is how you treat your wife?
In front of our friends?
A real man would treat me like a princess!
Look at Baz, how he treat Jewels.
I'm sorry princess, please forgive me.
You are so beautiful. She's beautiful, ah, yeah?
I love you. Later I give you nice massage.
What, are we going on a picnic, mate?
What's the camera for? - Surveillance.
Does this thing have night vision?
You two love-birds going camping, or what?
Jewels, my cousin!
Maz, the sleaze!
Sleaze?
I like this name!
We go on border patrol of Israel tonight.
Don't worry, I will look after Bassam.
What do you think, babe?
We have fun!
Take me to Australia with you, please, cousin.
I would love to go.
I hear the people there are nice and weather is beautiful.
Ya, Sydney, Melbourne...
Gold Coast, Sea World...
Dreamworld, kangaroo!
You sound like a tourism commercial.
When your English gets a bit better and you come out to Australia,
I'll get you a job in the café.
Habibi Bassam! Thank you.
Take it easy with the hugs, mate.
People will think we're gay.
Patrol Unit 1, respond.
There's an urgent request made by the CO.
He needs cigarettes.
Check my locker, there's a carton in there.
We already did.
You better not be drinking my Araq.
Too late... Just get some cigarettes for the boss.
Over.
Shu, what's up?
I have to head back to the base now.
Some shit job I must do.
What do you want me to do?
Listen, habibi, I'll be gone 40 minutes tops, okay?
All you have to do is walk in this direction
until you come across a house with lots of those antennas on the roof.
You're taking the piss, right?
No, I don't need piss now.
When you get there just knock on the door,
tell them you're my cousin, give them this.
I don't know a word of Arabic and you're asking me to walk into a Lebanese Army base?
Why do Australians worry about everything?
You're sending me on a tour that has the Israeli soldiers
looking at me through their scopes.
Don't worry.
Here, take my pistol, it's an old 9mm.
Just follow the yellow brick road.
You know, from The Wizard of the Oz.
Yeah, thanks Dorothy, dumb-ass.
Dumb-ass?
I like this word.
Gay, dumb-ass. Very nice words.
You teach me more.
Anyone home?
Ah, Ari!
How many times I gotta tell ya,
not to close that goddamn door?!
Bob, what the fuck are you doing on the floor?
Shut up.
Okay man, okay man. You speak English?
Just untie me and you can walk free, my friend, okay?
Hey Druze boy...
You hear me, you fucking--!
You fucking hear me?!
What's your name?
Oh!
Ah, Bob.
And that cock-head over there is named ah...
Ari.
Listen, mate...
I was on my way to grandma's house, and got lost...
and ended up here.
So if I'm a guest in your home,
I need you to be nice so we can resolve this little matter. - Sure my friend...
We can have a cup of tea and watch a little TV.
Huh, what do you think?
Don't be smart.
You're fucking English or Arabic?
Australian Lebanese.
Australian Lebanese, okay,
so let me get this right.
You crossed the Lebanese- Israeli border,
without anyone seeing you.
You're Australian Lebanese...
You walked into a top secret Israeli communication base,
and you've taken two prisoners!
Yeah, that sounds about right.
What the fuck happened, huh?
Work it out, fuck-stick!
We've been captured.
Where the fuck were you, Bob?!
Uh...
Shu? No, I was grabbing a beer...
and um, I got punched in the face by this...
this here nice gentleman with the gun.
Fucking Americans...
Everything is a fucking party, right?!
What? - Homecoming!
Miller time.
Well as you can see...
we have a crazy Australian Arab with us tonight!
An Aussie?
Hey, you from the penal colony?!
You're a goddamn criminal, huh?
Jesus, Bob, when God was giving out brains,
you clearly thought they were milk shakes!
you make fun of my goddamn middle name one more time, I'll bite off your nose!
What's your name, Arab?
Steady on with that Arab thing.
My name is Baz and I work for nobody, alright?
You know Baz,
we have plenty of room for pussies like you in our prisons.
You're in Israel, motherfucker!
No one fucks with us, got it?!
Shut the fuck up!
Boys please, for the love of God, shut up.
Hey, hey, hey, relax with the guns,
guns ain't funs.
What do you say we have a few beers?
You Aussies love a cold one, right? Yeah?
Gimme a fucking second! - Sure, sure.
Alright, listen...
Bob...
That sounds good to me.
But no bullshit, alright?
I am no threat to you.
I just walked in the wrong fucking door.
Kind sir, if you would be so nice and go over here and cut my cable tie,
I could get up and get us some beers.
I just don't want to die today
or tomorrow.
Alright.
Don't cut off my hand, please.
But not you, Ari.
You have to calm your shit down first!
Who the fuck gave you all the power?
Just because you got a gun,
don't you think you're getting out of this situation scott-free.
Hey, steady on mate.
Alright, let's just tone it down a notch. - Fuck!
Now, I know that your adrenaline is pumping,
and the red mist is fucking with your ability to process this situation right now.
But I urge you to calm your shit down.
Piece of shit.
This guy is off the charts.
There you go.
Ari, Ari...
Relax.
Yeah okay, fat man.
Fat man? I'm not fat.
Hey look...
Let me ask you the same question.
Who gave you all the power?
Who gave me the power?
You're in my country, you American idiot!
Go invade some other weak-ass country!
Get your head out of your ass,
and clean the shit from your ears, and hear me soldier.
Because when the shit hits the fan
and it gets a little rough out there,
all you pussies, and you're all pussies...
you call the good ol' U.S. of A. to save your fucking asses.
It's your lucky day!
You can choose two cupcakes, okay?
This one and...
Baby, I'm just gonna go out for some fresh air, okay?
Oh, you mean a cancer stick?
Some people call it that. I call it fresh air.
You sure? What about that one?
And this one. - Mm-hm.
And that one.
How's it goin'?
Jewels baby, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, we're okay.
Oh God, you're hurt!
Listen, stay here and don't move.
Sarah, gimme your mobile phone.
Wait, where are you going?
Get back. Stay down, stay down.
Somebody please help me!
She was in the bomb blast.
Yes, yes tell me what happened?
Looks like she clipped a femoral artery, hurry.
Hurry!
Where are you from?
What kind of question is that?
Are you Israeli?
What does it matter where I'm from?
An old lady might die, and you're asking where I'm from?
Yes, I want to know where you come from.
Australia, you happy?!
You look Arabic. Are you an Arab?
You know an Arab did this. - I don't know who the fuck did this,
I know an Arab tried to save her life! - Baz!
Are you ok? - I'm good.
Where's Lisa?
Uh, she's uh...
You're with this terrorist?
You bastard, he's not a fucking terrorist.
You're married to an Arab?
Fuck you, terrorist!
Fuck you!
So, Baz...
What's your story, huh?
I joined the Australian Army back in '01.
I served in Afghanistan and Iraq as a commando.
I discharged...
under a week ago.
I'm visiting my father who lives about five kilometers from here.
How's that working out for you, man?
Not so good, actually, Ari.
Don't mind him.
I was tagging along with my cousin on a night patrol,
and I got lost and somehow ended up here.
Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time, huh?
This is retarded!
I am getting the fuck out of here!
Sayonara, dickheads!
Ari, you need to get your head checked.
Bob, good luck, mate.
Get the fuck out of my country! - I'm fucking trying mate!
You can't leave, Baz! - Bullshit, Bob!
You locked the front door,
which means you locked us all in here for the next six hours.
You're making no sense, sunshine.
It's a time-lock door Baz, for security reasons.
It will automatically open after six hours
or a soldier with a code from the outside can get in, see?
See the clock? - That just makes no fucking sense!
What makes sense in the military, huh?
Well, I don't know? A fucking key?
Only a patrol with the code number
can get in and the key went home with the Israeli officer. So there you go.
What happens if there's a fire or one of you nutters
decides to go all Bowling for Columbine?
Well, asshole, it's our duty to stay locked in.
That's because you're pussies!
Why was the door unlocked in the first place?
'Cause Bob wanted to tan his beautiful body of a man!
That's true, that is true.
But we always leave the door open, I mean...
nothing ever happens here. We're in the middle of nowhere.
We're pretty much fucked, aren't we, right?
When that door opens, I'm firing the first shot.
With any luck, I can make a run for the border.
It's either that or I'm dead.
If you do that...
Israel will attack Lebanon and...
anybody else she views as a threat and...
boom!
Bomb blast.
Tel Aviv. Five minutes ago.
Car bomb, fucking car bomb.
Many people are wounded, some are dead.
You want a beer? It's nice and cold.
You married, Bob? Boyfriend, girlfriend?
Actually, I...
lost my wife five years ago to cancer, so yeah.
I'm sorry to hear that, mate. - Yeah.
Well that's a fucking shame, Bob.
Things happen. How about yourself?
I'm married. - Bob!
Bob!
What?!
Give me one of those cigarettes.
Can he have a cigarette?
No!
You know what, why don't you paint yourself blue,
get inside the ocean, fucking drown, huh?
What does that mean? - Some Jew thing, I think.
I don't even know what that means. - Fuck this, fuck this shit!
Fuck this!
I've had enough of this fucking bullshit.
Shoot me.
Come on, you goddamn Arabic dog.
My grandfather killed you Arabs,
my dad killed you Arabs,
I'm gonna kill a few more Arabic scum shit like you before I die.
Shoot me! - Baz, no.
Isn't it great how we can just shoot you fuckers?
Blow your homes up and no one talks about it?
I love it.
The whole world thinks nothing of you.
You give us 20 more years
and we'll exterminate you to the very fucking last of you bitches!
You're a tough motherfucker with five or six Army buddies behind you, huh?
But a big fucking pussy, one on one.
Do it, you fucking pussy, come on.
I'm going to fucking kill you.
This is for your grandfather,
this is for your father.
Come on, you fucking Israeli psycho!
You fucking pussy!
Sit the fuck down!
Hey, hey, come on, Ari.
Fucking okay. Fucking let me go, fuck you!
Settle down now. Come on now.
Here, here, have a drink. Have a drink.
Why'd you have to hit him so hard for?
Come on, God darn.
- It's okay, kid.
Fuck off!
You know what, Ari?
You're more barbaric than a pit bull in heat.
You are kind of fucked up. - Shut the fuck up, Bob.
Okay.
Why is the world so scared of you guys?
I mean, you got the whole world shitting in their pants!
You say a thing against a Jew, and the media goes fucking ape-shit
with the term anti-Semitic...
The holocausts.
The fucking Jews have been persecuted for thousands of years.
But here you are telling me that you love to kill Arabs.
Now how the fuck does that work?
Yeah, because your Muslim Jihad, that blows themself up
in our buses are innocent, right?
No Ari, that's not what I'm saying,
all extremists need to have their head read, okay?
The media just makes us look real like shit!
That's true.
Come live in America, say a bad thing about a Jew
and they will cut your balls off.
But land in the US as an Arab and get harassed.
Baz, to be fair, you did blow up our twins.
Which was a colossal fuck up.
Now I'm not saying that mistakes haven't been made.
But can you imagine if the Arabs started crying to the world
that they have been persecuted?
By the Romans, the Ottomans,
the British, the French, Tom, Dick and fucking Dirty Harry?
People would laugh!
Well the media has put bad spin on you people, that's true.
I mean why is it okay for you guys to be put on a pedestal
and wrapped in cotton wool?
Fuck you, man! We have been persecuted.
People all over the world have been persecuted!
Yeah whatever, this is our land
so both of you can get the fuck out of here.
Look, what happened to all the Arabs,
the Jews, the Christians that were all living together,huh?
I'll tell you what happened.
When the Zionist movement of the world decided it was
a good time to take Palestine,
they put a gun to their heads and told everyone to fuck off.
You ever heard of the Balfour Declaration?
Yep!
Huh?
The British mandate, the United Nations resolution that states
half of the land of Palestine is given to the Arabs
which they rejected and the other half is given to the Jews!
What about the massacres, son! You forget that?
Groups such as the Irgun, Lehi, Haganah?
Haganah took out British authorities, and resident Arabs.
Well you know, shit was happening on both sides, Bob.
That's war.
And the Arabs were no fucking angels either.
In '48, when the British withdrew,
Israel was immediately attacked by the Arab nations.
So I'm very sorry that after 6 million Jews
that were slaughtered in the holocaust,
we had to defend ourself.
What about that Six-Day War, huh? What about it?
It was a glorious victory.
Oh come on, that was land grabbing son, land grabbing.
Shit happens.
What about the invasion of Lebanon, mate?
Your PLO buddies started it, we just finished it.
Fuck off, Ari!
What about the 17,000 Lebanese civilians who died in the conflict of '82?
How the fuck do you know so much about Middle East politics, huh??
Well I've been living in the Middle East about 10 years,
and I got a degree in political science,
which makes me not just a red-neck but a very, very smart red-neck!
Well, you don't have to live with the Palestinians, okay.
Cut the bullshit, son.
'Cause you could say that about any and all nationalities.
You're both full of shit.
I take it you're the man that brought in Miss Rosenberg?
Anna is her name, yes.
You have I.D.? Passport?
Uh no, it's back at the hotel.
Where are you from?
I was born in Australia.
My father is Lebanese, which makes me Lebanese.
Stand up.
What?
Did you know that?
So why are you arresting him? - Listen to me.
No, you listen to me.
What if he had saved your mother?
Would him being an Arab matter then?
Ms. Rosenberg wants to see the man who saved her life.
I've had enough of this bullshit, had both of y'all... enough.
Hey Ari,
what do you say you give me a hand cleaning this shit up, okay?
Why don't you go fuck yourself, anti-Semitic pig.
Hey don't put that anti-Semitic shit on me, you new Jew boy.
Come on.
New Jew boy? - Yeah.
You know Bob, before you judge me and my people,
you should take a look at your own history,
you hick country bumpkin!
Oh yeah? - Yeah.
Here we go... I'm sure you're going to give it to me. Give it to me.
Yeah well, America was founded on genocide.
You guys are far from being innocent in this argument.
Native Americans, slavery...
war-mongering.
You're an Ashkenazi Jew, aren't you?
You're not even a Sephardic Jew!
Answer the question, Ari. Are you Sephardic or Ashkenazi?
A Jew is a Jew and that's it.
You should be a teacher,
a brief lecture and he's already lost me!
The gentleman here is European. - He's an asshole!
And not a descendant of the people of this region.
He therefore can't claim anti-Semitism!
You see, anyone from this part of the world
who originated here is a Semite.
That's me, regardless of what god or practice you follow.
So Ari, by your own definition, you're not a real Jew.
Fuck you Baz, it's like me saying you're not Arabic
because you were born in Australia.
All Jews, black, white, Asian,
all are Semitic by birthright or conversion.
That shit was made up to protect you guys under one banner.
Yeah, okay.
Yo, Bob!
What do you call us Arabs in your part of the world?
That would be Dune Coon, Sand Nigger, Camel Jockey, and Towel Head, shit like that!
You see that is the true definition of anti-Semitic!
Alright, so Bob,
who is the Semite in the room?!
Well, it ain't Ari 'cos he's some kinda European breed which makes him an Ashkenazi!
You see, it's funny how you people claim to be Semitic,
chanting the anti-Semite war cry,
when you're not even a proper Semite yourself or even understand the fucking term!
Where do you get your facts from Baz?
No seriously, I want you to tell me.
'Cause I've never heard so much racist bullshit in my whole goddamn life!
Hey, listen you--
Listen, you two monkey ball shavers, come on.
Baz, no, settle down. Okay?
Fuck me.
You know what the problem is with you people?
Now, you have facts and you have facts.
that a fact is just another dickhead's opinion and that is a fucking fact.
Now, I have something special to calm you two down.
And it isn't a...
man's penis, nor is it mine!
Mexican-Cuban bud!
Are you fucking serious?
Yeah...
I don't normally do it on watch,
but I feel that we're all gonna be killed tonight,
and I want to be high when I catch my round in my head.
So, one for you,
go on, one for you,
one for me and...
Alright, come on, Ari!
Come with me, we're going some place special
and you don't even have to leave the building.
You can't anyway.
Now that's really...
That's, that's some strong weed there.
Bye!
You okay?
I'm fine.
Don't worry about me, I'm worried about you.
Just another day at the office, huh?
It would be nice to get Lisa out of the city.
Hey.
Listen, first thing in the morning...
we'll get a bus up to Jordan and then...
hopefully be in Lebanon by nightfall, huh?
I love you, baby.
I really fucking love you.
When those soldiers come through that door and see me,
they're really gonna fuck us all to hell!
Yeah, yeah.
But, but first I'm going to unload a full magazine.
No, 'cause I'm gonna tell them who you really are.
I'm gonna to tell them, he's fucking Australian!
So... So, Bob.
How did you come to work for the Israelis?
And why are you wearing an Israeli uniform?
Yeah Bob, I was wondering why are you wearing the uniform of a fucking warrior!
Fuck off, Ari!
I spilt some hot dog gravy on my uniform this morning
and this is the only piece of shit they had lying around.
You have some respect for this uniform, scum shit.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I do kinda like the color, though!
Kelly green and so pretty!
I joined the military to see the world.
Took a class in Arabic. My first posting was in Egypt.
Since then I've done tours in Jordan, Lebanon, and the U.A.E.
I've been to Libya, Morocco,
Tunisia, Lebanon, Sacramento and Kansas city.
I've even been to Iran!
Best house parties, hands down. The best drugs, women!
Fuck man, you seriously should go.
I'm impressed, hillbilly.
Well, we're not all dumb Americans, you should be.
So you're a spy?
You FBI or CIA?
You're high! I'm a hillbilly!
I'm a Cryptologic Linguist. Hence my ability to read and write Arabic.
So what you're saying is that you're a redneck nerd?
Basically I just teach them how to use the equipment.
That's why they stuck me here, till tomorrow morning
when I leave, if I'm still alive.
Then it's back to my unit in Dubai.
The Las Vegas of the Middle East!
The best hotels, the hottest women,
the tallest buildings,
but the shittiest drivers in the world, shit.
What the fuck.
You both know you're cut from the same cloth, right?
You're cousins! - What?
You're monkeys, I mean, you're monkey cousins,
you're basically monkeys that are cousins
who don't talk no more because your--
it was your uncle that fucked his grandmother in the ass
with a hound dog's gorilla's dick!
What the fuck?! - I'm just trying to say Arabs
and Jews are cousins at the end of the day.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Okay, you stupid people. You're both circumcised, right?
You eat Kosher, you eat Halal,
they're both the same kind of shit.
No.
What? - It's not.
It's pretty close.
Haredi Jews are like conservative Muslims,
strict and crazy.
You make a good point there.
That's it.
Check it out!
Are you one of those Facebook freaks that invites hot chicks to be your friend?
Sand-nigga, please.
Look, I've got a little surprise for you boys, okay?
Yo Bob, if you're going to show us your pee-wee again,
I swear to God I'm going to make a little kebab out of it.
Hey, pee-wee this, smart-ass, okay?
Now there's something you need to know about me,
and that is I love to cook!
See, you are gay!
Goddamn it, Baz, listen to me. I love pussy,
I love my beer, but cooking is my first love.
So what are you going to cook?
Like Jesus, we're going to have our Last Supper!
Big Bob is going to be making his uh, nice piece of beef baby back ribs.
Oh yeah!
And not only that, some mashed potatoes and coleslaw, too.
Yep, and you two little sand- niggas are gonna help me out.
What do we need to do, Hitler?
I need you to peel some potatoes.
Oh man, how long is this gonna take?
This bag of weed will speed things up.
Check it out.
Oof!
Shit, Bob!
Where did you get this magical green from?
Oof!
That boy just marinated the brisket.
Oof!
Bob? - Huh?
Tell me something...
Um, why are you Americans so stupid and brain washed?
I don't have enough time to explain it, really.
But smoking a joint a day, keeps the terrorists away.
'Cause this stuff is going to bring us world peace, I'm telling you.
Fuck this, I can't smoke anymore.
I'm fucking dead. - Pussy.
Hey, did you know that America has been involved in 67 wars that we know of?
About 250 actions since World War II?
The American government has been involved in
and assisted in the overthrowin' of foreign governments.
Cunts!
We get rid of democracy governments because they don't play our game
and put in our dictator puppets.
I don't even like being American at times, shit!
You dicks preach democracy then kick the shit out of some
poor country that doesn't play by your rules.
You're in wonderland! Let's keep you preoccupied
with reality shows, a house mortgage, porn, fast food,
and propaganda media while the government of the West go
and rape a second or third world country for their resources.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Okay, okay, okay...
I'm stoned!
Fuck, I'm stoned like a motherfucker!
So if you were the President of the United States of America,
what would you say to the people?
My fellow Americans.
Now I said there would be change, and goddamn it,
change has come.
I told you I would go after those crooked...
politician Wall Street bankers and I did.
I have pulled our troops from their overseas postings
and they're back home where they belong protecting the U.S of A.
and we left all that other bullshit to NATO and the United Nations.
And I will not allow the media to put any more fear
into the American people.
Man! Listen...
we are gonna start again from scratch in this country.
We the people come first.
Not the government.
Not the media. Not the banks.
You the people come first!
I don't care if you're Jewish or Muslim or Christian
or African-American or purple or black or gay.
Hell, I don't care.
We have fucked everyone over for so long
that the whole world hates us.
I'm tired of being called the dumbest country in the world.
So I'm telling you...
to put a smile on your face, and read a book.
Say hi to somebody, be nice.
And um, last of all, I want to say
God bless you, God bless your family,
and last of all, God bless...
America, please!
God bless the whole world.
That's what I'd say if I was president.
Bravo, Bob the Builder.
One thing, Mr. President,
the Nazis running your immigration department
need to go easy on anyone with a slight tan and dark beard.
Including the women.
And the rubber glove thing up the ass, it's just not fair!
Is the food ready yet? I'm fucking starving.
Twenty minutes.
Hey!
Anyone up for a boxing fight?
Yeah, I like to work up a good sweat before I have a feast.
Come on Ari, you sad-sack of camel balls, fight me.
Let's do this, cock-head. I mean, Mr. President.
Come on, Jew boy, let's go.
Bob, I'm telling you, this is goddamn stupid.
Imma kick your ass. - No, this is great!
Beat his ass, Bob! - I just need one.
All right, here we go, ready?
Bob seriously, I don't want to hurt you.
Oh, Imma beat the shit out of you. - You boys ready?
Yeah, Let's go.
Come on!
Bob, now this just made me angry, motherfucker!
It looked like a good little hit.
Bob, I'm warning you, man.
Uh...
Yo, Bob!
Bob! - Bob!
Hey, grub's up, bitches! Give me a hand.
We're gonna eat like we did in the good old days.
There was a time when the Arabs, the Jews and Christians
were all friends and would eat together.
What time is it?
Oh right! It's Jew-bashing time!
Oh come on, it's just a fact Ari.
Ask the old people,
it's all there, you just gotta open your eyes.
Well Bob, the old people are dead now.
All we have left is just...
bloodshed and hatred.
I've lost seven mates in action
and my cousin was shot by an Israeli soldier.
Does that mean that I have to hate you?
You're not the one who pulled the trigger.
The poor bastard who did, probably didn't want to be there in the first place.
Well, I don't know how to forgive so...
Well, it's hard, mate.
Have some shisha.
My two boys are getting along.
That's good, that's good.
Alright, yalla, man! Lets eat!
Yalla!
So you guys really fucked yourselves on September 11th, huh?
The new bad boys.
You certainly do look the part, too.
The Russians were the bad-asses in the 70s and 80s,
the North Koreans in the 90s.
Tadaa!
We now hold the baton of love, hey?
You Arabs think we did it to ourselves to get your oil, right?
I think it was.
Really? - Really?
You, Mr. Israel?
I just think you Arabs were too...
dumb to execute such a perfect plan.
So Baz, if we're talking here...
can you explain to me,
why are Arabs so damn backwards?
See, the Middle East has been a fucking bloodbath for thousands of years.
And that includes my Jewish brothers.
The Ottomans took over most of the Middle East from...
like the eleventh century, right through to the end of World War I.
So the people have been repressed for a fucking long time.
They have fought for their land, for their freedom,
for their individual religions.
Ah, bullshit. - Ah, no--
After the Great War,
everyone had their fucking finger in the pie.
The French, the British,
even your crew, Bob.
But you didn't just have your finger in the pie,
you put your whole fucking fist in there and your cock!
Not my cock.
When the Brits broke up the British mandate in Palestine,
they gave the majority of the land to Jordan and a little bit to Israel.
Real little bit. - Little bit.
But hey, that's when all the fun began, right?
Well, you bring oil in the picture...
The powers that be just been playing the Arabs against each other, that's all.
Well thank you boys, but...
what I really want to ask you, Baz, is...
what makes a person blow themselves up?
Well if I was to take a guess, I'd look at it like this...
You take a man's land, you blow his house up,
you harass him every single day, turn off his electricity and water,
voilà, one suicide bomber!
We pulled out of Gaza back in 2005.
We gave sacrifices man, they get a chance to vote,
they get a chance to have their say,
but they still choose to blow themselves up!
That's a good point, good point.
All I'm saying is the people in Israel want to live their lives in peace.
And the Israeli people are not the government,
they're not the IDF, and they're not Sephardic or Ashkenazi!
They are citizens.
We have people who want war. You have people who want war.
But I assure you most of the people in Israel are just like everywhere else in the world,
we just want peace.
Peace?
Baz, if you think the people in Israel don't want peace,
I'm sorry to say you know nothing about this part of the world.
Look, all I do know is that the Middle East is growing up fast.
Dubai, Abu Dhabi.
Their sheiks care for their people,
and the people love their leaders.
The rest of the Middle East needs to take a page out of their book.
They need to steel the book!
Hey!
I-I agree with you.
Yeah...
You do agree. - It's a shocker, right?
So Bob, you're a connoisseur of the green shit, huh?
I am a high time loyal fan, yeah.
What are you on about anyway, man?
Close your eyes,
I'm about to take you on a tour.
It's called, "Getting-high- with-Bob."
Motherfucker. - Close my eyes?
Close your eyes, man,
it's better when you're high. It's gonna rock your world.
Ready?
Think I'm fucking with you, boy?
I keep the peace with that green spirit, hippie shit, man.
They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day,
so make sure you have your Special J.
Sexy Amsterdam,
there's nothing like sucking it through a bong.
This is my man Bob smoking an African black joint.
It's some gooood shit, man!
My good friend, Lebo AK-47.
It's a nice view from the top.
Hey, Mr. Hindu-kush is my best friend!
The Buddha brings peace to one's mind and soul in a crazy city.
Ping-pong, anyone?
That was an awesome trip, man.
You boys up for a li'l Texan fun, huh?
It's called Texan Roulette!
Hey, hey, there are three rules:
One, you got to take a shot of Jack.
Two, you got to talk shit about somebody.
Three, you gotta put this revolver--
Whoa, put the gun down, Bob. - Whoa, Baz, whoa!
Drop it. - It ain't loaded.
It ain't loaded. Check for yourself.
Shit.
Shit, Bob, where the fuck did you get that gun from?
I bought it last week off some crazy orthodox Jew.
I told you there was no rounds in this son of a bitch.
Come on, Baz,
a bit of Texan Redneck Roulette can't be that bad, right?
Alright, ladies...
As I'm the only man around here,
I will go first.
What do you call a good-looking Arab, huh?
Oh, as if.
Your turn, Ari.
Give me that gun, Santa Claus.
Pussy.
The only question's where's the bullet, right?
Fuck this! To America!
The most powerful country in the world and the dumbest,
I want to thank you for supporting us!
Hope you blow your brains out, Ari.
Oh that's right, you don't even got none.
Suck this, hillbilly!
- Do it, pussy!
Bottle, please.
Gun, please.
My pleasure, my Arabic brother.
Sukran, my Jewish sister.
Pussy.
If I was sober, this would seem like a really fucking bad idea.
Cunts.
Fuck, come on! - Give me back my bottle.
The goddamn gun.
To the greatest country in the world.
God bless...
America.
Shit! - Fuck!
You alright?
Oh Jesus.
Shit! - Oh God,
please help me!
I was just trying to break up the hatred between you two,
now I gone and blown off the balls, you know?
Now I'm just like Ari.
Alright Bob, I'm going to take off your pants, okay?
Don't get too excited.
It's all gonna be okay, you big teddy bear.
Take it the fuck off!
Man, you should see the looks on your two dumb-ass Jew-Arab faces.
You fell for that dumb shit you two.
I just can't believe it!
Gonna risk my life over a stupid fucking game, huh?
Huh?
Hey why you keep staring at my manhood?
You wanna say "Hi"?
Aw, Bob.
I pulled the old switcharoo!
Dumbass.
Ow! It's bleeding, you motherfuckers!
It's bleeding for God's sake!
Hey Baz, give me that bottle, man.
I'm not thirsty, Ari!
I need a Band-Aid and some ice.
You're not thirsty? - No, no!
Ahhh!!
Ah come on Bubba, we've gotta clean the infected area, my friend.
No it don't hurt really, it's just my dick.
You spit on my dick, you prick.
Cheers, mate!
Oh it's bigger!
Do it again.
Bigger than what?
Where's my real gun?
Okay, pussies, we are both... smoke some of this fine weed that I have created.
This is smooth shit, Bob.
You need to change careers.
Oh, it's in the cards.
We're all gonna die, so it's confession time.
Confession time? - Yep.
You're a priest now?
Oh shit!
Shit, it just hit me!
This is good shit, Bob.
What the fuck are you talking about "good shit"?
This is fucking perfect shit man!
I've never felt so happy in my whole goddamn life!
Dear Lord...
as we sit here today in this shitty little base,
we know our fate is around the corner.
And I would like to confess my sins to you tonight.
As a good Christian, I was brought up to love my own.
But...
I have...
fallen in love.
I've fallen in love with a beautiful angel.
She's not Christian.
She's a Muslim.
Okay, I didn't see that one coming. - Shut the fuck up, Ari!
Sorry Lord, I was just dealing with one of your chosen people.
My dear Nancy is the great love of my life.
And if you will let me live tonight, Lord,
I will marry her.
And I don't care what anybody says or thinks, I don't care...
about the backlash from my family and friends.
I will marry her.
And I will be the best goddamn husband that there ever was.
Amen.
Amen!
Amen.
Amen, man!
Who's next?
I'll go... - Okay.
Cry-baby.
I know.
Dear Lord, God...
Allah...
whatever your name might be. - Bob!
I don't think your name's Bob, but...
I want to share a bit about my life with these two good guys.
As you know...
I'm married to...
a wonderful woman by the name of Jewels.
And we have one...
just, just beautiful...
full-of-life little girl that we named Lisa.
My wife...
is Jewish!
Really?
Now, I have always believed that...
religion is a doubled-edge sword.
On the one hand, it brings faith, hope,
guidance.
And on the other, it brings hatred to other religions,
old rules that sometimes don't work in today's world,
- and division amongst society. - - Ain't that the truth.
So before I die tonight,
I want to thank you for letting me be the kind of person
who loves all and hates all
by their actions,
not their religion.
Oh, and I hope you have fine Havana cigars in Heaven.
Amen, job done, over and out, bye-bye!
Ari, your turn.
Well, uh...
I grew up in a very religious house,
you know, we have strong roots to our land.
So I did my national service, you know, I went to the Golani Brigade.
And then after my service, I went to study abroad in London.
And I came back to Israel with a new look on life.
I was meeting new people, new cultures, drugs, women...
Hell yeah!
...and uh, then...
my sister was killed...
by a suicide bomber.
In the back of my mind,
I always disliked Arabs.
But ever since then,
it turned into an all-consuming hatred.
I'm sorry to hear that, Ari.
Yeah, yeah. - We are not all bad men.
Yeah, you know, but tonight, you know, like,
talking with you guys, I may have found some peace.
I know one man's actions
can't reflect an entire race.
I don't know if it's you, or this clown, here,
or the weed that pulled me out of this black fucking hole!
Fuck this man, I'm gonna forgive.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna move on.
Okay, let's do this.
Let's move on.
Let's move on!
Okay, okay enough of this hugging shit, alright?!
I got some secret magical weed.
More weed?
Uh huh!
You freak, Bob, you know you have a problem, right?
It's called "Mother Mary."
- Mother Mary? - - Yeah.
What's in Mother Mary?
LSD skank and some LSD and some coke.
Are you nuts?!
Hey, come on, all you pussies! Let's smoke this bad-ass shit!
Nuts got nothing to do with it.
Whoa! The coke is king.
My father is gonna fucking murder me.
No that soldier is when he comes through that door.
Fuck, Bob, fuck!
Angels, angels. - What?
Angels!
Oh, shit!
Give me a kiss!
Look at this! Drink it!
It's called a shotgun, not a bullet.
Welcome back to "The Heavenly View."
I hope you all had a fabulous weekend and didn't party too hard with Lucifer.
That cheeky bastard sure knows how to throw a party.
I have a letter here from "smack bang in the middle of conflict town."
Ari and Baz have sent in a few questions for us holy souls to answer.
The first question is from Ari and it reads:
Why are the chosen people being persecuted?
Ari, stop your whining.
Each and every race and religion
at one time or another has been persecuted by each other
since this day care center opened.
Yes, you have to stop thinking "us" and start thinking "we."
That "us" is the source of all evil.
Exactly, I agree with the tart.
Uh right, so the next question that we've got,
this one is from "fat-ass Bob."
He wants to know:
"What's with all the fighting in the Middle East?"
It's a good question, chunky!
Oh my dad! What can I say?
We the people of the Middle East, we have short tempers.
Ah, fat Bob,
there will be peace in the Middle East in about 35 years or so.
Um, Jews and Arabs will be making babies. I love the mixed races.
They have that nice coffee-colored look.
Right, and Baz, he wants to know:
"Will the powerful governments of today ever fall?"
Right, what do you think, Tes?
Bitch! - Cow!
Hey, show some respect.
Sorry, the answer is, of course, yes.
Duh, nothing lasts forever.
Ma'am...
Name, soldier?
Private Sanchez, ma'am.
Where is the rest of your uniform?
Uh...
It's over there.
I haven't seen you before.
What is with your pants?
This look like the Lebanese cam.
Oh no, no uh...
This is what we wear in Afghanistan.
I just got in this morning.
Who has been drinking?
Me, me, sir. I mean, ma'am.
It was my birthday.
So I made myself a pie,
a couple of drinks to go with it--
This is an Israeli communication center.
We rely on you for information at a second's notice.
You're having a party!
And you two are sleeping. - Permission to speak.
- Shut the fuck up!
This is Midmin.
I need the military police down here at once.
Three drunken soldiers asleep at their post.
I'm not drunk, I'm high.
I know, a disgrace.
Two American soldier.
I wish you wouldn't do this to us.
What's so funny?
I'm--
I'm fucking with you!
You should see your faces!
You knobs were pissing in your pants!
I pissed in my pants.
What are you wearing, mate?
Oh you know, some boots, cowboy boots, my boxers,
my cowboy hat, T-shirt and a pie.
Fuck that, I've got three months left of my service
Thailand, here I come bitches.
Hell yeah, whoooo!
Lets have some pie. - Yeah, let's do that.
Well, this is just uh...
Perfect timing. Let's have some pie.
Pie? - Yeah, why not pie?
So how's the pie?
It's better than the shit they serve us on base.
Sanchez...
You like the Arabs?
Well they're people, right?
Human beings.
Bob, you like the Arabs?
Sure, ask Sanchez.
How was Afghanistan?
Five star hotels, strip clubs at every corner...
A great place to bring up a family.
L'chaim!
Gotta go, boys. Let's see what those crazy Lebanese are up to.
Listen, Sanchez, or whoever you are,
we're heading southeast, okay?
I have no idea what you're talking about, you whining Brit.
A fucking Aussie, what are the chances of that?
Yeah, what are the chances?
Well boys...
This seems like a good time to make my move back across the border like a good soldier.
I hate goodbyes.
Me too.
You're okay for an Arab.
And you're okay for a Jew.
You're both okay.
Okay.
Are you sure you know the way this time?
- Yep. - - Facebook me.
Will do, Bob.
You boys play nice now!
What the fuck!
We're fucked now, Bob.
Oh shit.
Let's just get high, fuck it.
I never liked Arabs to begin with.
Listen, you fucks!
Put your weapons down or I'll shoot this guy where he stands!
If you don't put your weapons down, I'll shoot him,
you'll shoot me, and nobody wants that.
Least of all fucking me!
Put the guns down and move back 20 steps, lets go!
Now I don't want any trouble,
I just wound up in the wrong place at the wrong fucking time!
Now put them down, take 20 steps back!
Keep going, go on!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a pleasure entertaining you this morning!
Fuck you, motherfucker!
Hello? - Ha?
Hey, you crazy bastard.
Hey, what's this I hear about your men killing one of mine?
You killed two of my soldiers, you asshole!
Listen, listen, my old friend.
You want to go to war, you just say the word, okay?
You think you are tough because you have new weapons
and tanks and planes.
Well, you can shove that all up your ass, you donkey!
Donkey ha, that's funny ha,
you're funny, you prick!
Listen to me, what are we going to do about this mess now?
I got the whole media breathing down my neck and...
I've got too much on my plate, you know?
Relax, brother, this is the problem with democracy,
you have people to answer to, asshole.
So what's your plan, penis-face?
We tell the world that both our soldiers were in the right.
Then we go back and forth like a game of tennis for a month or two,
and let the whole thing blow over.
Okay, sounds good to me!
Now listen, I'm going to bed now, dick-licker.
And say hello to your beautiful wife, okay?
Shave your balls, monkey-ass.
Tell the wife thanks for the carrot cake.
Monkey-ass!
Alright, one for you,
one for me, here we go.
And this one's for our good friend, Baz.
I wonder where-- - Thanks, fuck-face!
Oh hell no! There he is!
Hit me, Bob! You fat fuck!
You got a beard. You kissed me with a beard,
You made me feel bad about myself.
War's a bitch, man, but I love it!
You boys ready to do this?
Hell yeah!
I don't know how to swim, though!